Established 2024
Cheddar.Fish
“Not all crackers are created equal.”
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The Official Tier List
A meticulously curated tier list based on extensive taste testing, emotional attachment, and mildly questionable methodology.
S Tier
Transcendent • Peak snacking perfection
Mega Bites Cheddar Jalapeño
“One Notch Hotter and These Are Untouchable”
A sucker for cheesy and spicy? Guilty. These are rad. The jalapeño heat is real enough to respect but not so aggressive it ruins the vibe. Snackability is a perfect 10 because the bag disappears before you've made a conscious decision to keep eating. Could crank the heat up one notch and achieve perfection. Still S tier. Still stoked.
Parmesan
“Gene? Gene Parmesan? Yes, It Slaps.”
Divisive? Sure. Wrong? Absolutely not. The funky fake cheese smell alone is enough to clear a room and that's a feature, not a bug. These hit different — nuttier, sharper, with a crunch that means business. The kind of cracker you eat alone because you know your friends won't get it. Their loss.
Pizza
“The GOAT. I will fight you.”
The GOAT. Full stop. Bodegas in Brooklyn routinely failed to stock these and it remains one of life's great injustices. The flavor is loud, artificial in the best possible way, and somehow more pizza than pizza. Zero notes. Stoked every single time I open a bag. I will fight you.
Spicy Dill Pickle
“Fake dill never tasted so good.”
Stop the presses. The dill flavor is fake and it does not matter even a little bit. After a handful or two your mouth is numb and you are fully committed, no turning back. This is closer to what the Salt & Vinegar Crisps promised to be and completely failed to deliver. Fake dill never tasted so good. A triumph.
Spicy Dill Pickle Crisps
“The rise of the Crisps.”
I did not want to like these. The Crisps format has wronged me before. But wandering the aisles on New Year's Day in a haze, I grabbed these for science, cracked a seltzer, and within two minutes had eaten three handfuls. The flavor dust situation on the outside of each cracker is a very good sign. When someone complains a snack is destroying their mouth, you know it's working. These are up there with a Cape Cod Salt & Vinegar chip. Go buy three bags. Immediately.
Zesty Ranch
“TBD Lets GO!”
Food. Words. What is the meaning of life?
A Tier
Excellent • Exceptional quality
Butterbeer
“One hundred million points for Gryffindor!”
Aggressively sweet. Like, concerningly sweet. Perfect on top of a pint of Ben & Jerry's, which is either a great idea or a dessert crime depending on how you feel about yourself that day. One hundred million points for Gryffindor and also for this cracker.
Mega Bites Sharp Cheddar
“Salt Bae may have advised on these crackers.”
Someone went absolutely ham on the salt levels here and I respect that. Salted like a properly seasoned steak — aggressively and without apology. The cheese score is a 10 and it earns it. These are the bigger, bolder, more serious Goldfish and they deliver on that promise.
Mix Xtra Cheddar + Pretzel
“It is harmony. Salty, salty, harmony.”
The pretzels do something to the Xtra Cheddar that should be studied. On their own, both are solid. Together, it's harmony — salty, a little sharp, deeply snackable. The rare case where the mix eclipses its parts. A bag of this is a problem in the best way.
Sour Cream & Onion Crisps
“We've got things to eat!”
Gone in a day. That's the whole review. If you need more: the flavor is on point, the crunch is genuinely satisfying, and the snackability score of 9 reflects the uncomfortable reality that you won't be able to stop. A rare win for the Crisps format.
Xtra Cheddar
“Orange you glad I didn't say banana?”
A weird cheese powdery mess. Its good. I'll forgive the mess.
S'mores Grahams
“The Only Graham That Needed to Exist.”
The only graham flavor that actually needed to exist. It goes a little too sweet but that's a graham problem, not a S'mores problem. Still the best of the bunch by a mile. If you're buying Grahams, buy these.
B Tier
Respectable • Solid choices
Barbecue Crisps
“3-2-1 anyone?”
Aren't crips chips? I tried these before the S tier Dill Pickle Crisps and they surprised me! These are very much in the same flavor profile as a classic kettle barbecue chip like Cape Cod. Decent amount of flavoring visible on the cracker, always a good sign.
Honey Mustard
“Some other headline.”
These are basically Hanover's pretzel nibs.
Hot Buffalo
“Some headline I will replace.. Yeah right.”
Old Bay
“Throw that in with some water and you've got yourself a stew!”
Similar to Frank's, doesn't improve upon the base cheddar cracker enough.
Snoopy Peppermint Cocoa
“Not the GOAT, But a Good Beagle.”
A little bit too fake tasting but still kind of addicting.
Baby Cheddar
“Hot take: just barely better than OG Cheddar.”
Surprisingly better than the full size cheddar crackers, which as you may have realized, is not my favorite.
Elf Maple Syrup Grahams
“What's a Christmas gram?”
B because of Buddy the Elf but barely. Sweet.
Pretzel
“Don't stop buying Hanover's.”
C until you mix with some other flavors, hence the whole Mix series. Improvement could be had with a more malted flavor.
Chilean Sea Bass (Cheddar)
“I didn't get these but I get these.”
Step above regular cheddar for the joke.
Original
“A different timeline has these with soup and not oyster crackers.”
Low-key, best oyster cracker replacement. Solid. We've got to go back Jack!
Toy Story
“Nostalgia bump.”
Another cheddar variant. Toy Story rules.. so it gets a B.
C Tier
Acceptable • They exist
Cheddar
“Hot take: they are just fine.”
The classic. Cheez-its are a better plain cheese cracker. They aren't bad though, so they are what we will call average.
Cheddar Crisps
“Challenging to be excited for.”
Flavor blasted cheddar flavoring on the crisp. They are fine, I guess.
Cheddar Pokémon
“Gotta snack 'em all? Nah.”
It's a cheddar Goldfish cracker. I'm too old for Pokémon so it does not qualify for the nostalgia bump from this guy.
Frank’s RedHot
“Still a C.”
Improvement on the basic cheddar cracker, but just barely. Still a C.
Dunkin' Pumpkin Spice
“I don't think Ben would approve.”
You got Dunkin'?
D Tier
Disappointing • Questionable decisions
Disney Mickey Mouse Cheddar
“Make a Goldfish Cracker Review website they said.”
No enjoyment found eating these crackers. No enjoyment found eating these crackers. No enjoyment found eating these crackers. No enjoyment found eating these crackers. No enjoyment found eating these crackers. No enjoyment found eating these crackers. - Me
Star Wars Cheddar
“Gro-don't”
Feels like a missed opportunity for some more gross green crackers. /s
Xtra Cheesy Pizza
“What a lab thinks pizza tastes like.”
I love everything pizza flavored, except for these. They swung and missed. Needs more tomato flavor.
Cheddar & Sour Cream
“Break out the chopsticks.”
Unlike the Xtra Cheddar crackers, I can't get over the powdery mess. These are closer to bottom dwellers than high soaring gold fish.
Disney Princess Cheddar
“Some headline I will replace.”
Same problem with the other stamped crackers, they aren't as nice to eat!
Whole Grain Cheddar
“They can't all be winners...”
Cheddar, but worse. There is a common theme of dwindling return on the plain cheddar cracker variants. Bring back Tomato!
F Tier
Failures • Avoid at all costs
Awesome Sauce
“More mayo than marvelous”
Just can't get into the mayonnaise burger sauce flavor. Too Eggy?
Colors Cheddar
“Of all, these should probably cease.”
I would be so disappointed to be given these.
Salt & Vinegar Crisps
“Huge disappointment.”
These were a disappointment as an avid Salt & Vinegar person. They seem to be a "lighter" option but they are basically those crisps in a sesame chicken salad with some not-so-great vinegar flavoring.
Whole Grain Colors Cheddar
“Like the other ones, but worse!”
Just because you tried to make it "heathy" doesn't get this nightmare out of the bowels of the list.